Last night I began an excavation. It is terrifying and exciting. I was invited to join a class filled with an amazing and eclectic group of people to go on a dig. This dig will uncover the layers of our lives to find what’s underneath.
I am terrified of sitting in a room of people, some who I truly admire and exposing myself. I have worked hard for my strength, success and the image of it that I project. In order to protect this side of me I have unconsciously stuffed my creativity. Creativity cannot be stuffed it needs to be nurtured.
I was asked at the end of the class what word expressed how I felt, nothing came to mind so I said “nervous”. In those moments I get fuzzy and anxious. I feel an unnecessary pressure to be deep or poignant (no wonder nervous came to mind). This is why I am enamored with brilliant writers and orators. When I hear a quote that resonates with me or someone makes a speech that touches me personally, I get this stirring in my gut that makes me want to yell…YES!!! Yes exactly! Thank You!
After I left and my discomfort with being put on the spot dissipated the word came; Vulnerable. I felt vulnerable not because anyone made me feel that way, but because there was a side of me that wanted to be. A side that wants to expose myself by releasing whatever it is I think I am supposed to be.
I want to lay my soul bare without judgement or care for what others think. I want to be free of the burden my mind places on my heart so that my art and life can speak with the voice hiding under the layers of my perceptions. Throughout my life I have found a way to never live a lie but somehow also never share the whole truth. The reality is that I do not need to be perfect, know all the answers, how to do everything, or look the part. I just need to be.
The more I delve in, the more I understand that art and creativity are more than pigments and papers, ideas and measurements; they are our humanity. They are our voice in this deafening world.
I am ready. I will excavate and be vulnerable. I will unearth my soul.
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will learn how to live.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe