This week I’ve found myself challenged. I often wonder if doing what is right in so many ways, is the right thing to do for me. Answering a professional email with the appropriate response sometimes makes me wonder what the honest response really is. I know I did what needs to be done but for whatever reason this week I find it difficult to let poor behavior not effect me personally. How do I satisfy the gremlin inside of me that is spitting and firing like a toddler without behaving badly myself, that is the real question.
I have done so much of this as calmly as any one could and with true patience and time. Inside however my nerves are a bit more jumpy and my brain a bit less focused than I would like. The positive is that even now I am still finding moments of joy and peace. I have twice this week meditated after being triggered. I took the dogs for a quiet walk. I pulled out my special journal for the class I am taking and jotted down some intuitions, impulses and notions. Good habits are forming. This is also the first week of my 3 month alcohol hiatus where my brain clearly wanted to go off the wagon. The good news is that I didn’t. I have held to all of my personal commitments and perhaps this is how I’m getting though.
On another note I am helping produce a large event and for the first time in a while jumped in to another creative commitment. This will be the second time I have opened myself to direct again. It’s scary. Its been a while, but I know my skills are there and I’m trusting myself to be free again.
There seems to be so much happening at once. It is a challenge to trust that I have my own back. I need to continue to find those moments in each day that allow my brain to rest and remind myself that its all going to be just fine. Life can be hard but finding the simple moments to bring me down to earth make it ok. Just now my brother dog Casey came in to the bedroom to say hello and give me a kiss. I paused and took in the affection and relieved an ounce of stress. There are about 20 more ounces to go. It will be interesting to discover the mini joys I find.
One thought on “In Retrospect”
I so understand all of this. Love you so much and let’s talk soon. Can’t wait to meet Casey. Xoxo Bill