Dear C,
I’m not sure why this letter is so hard but it is. I have been wanting to write it for years. I always hesitate. Perhaps its because I fear I did something terrible, or perhaps its the fear that you won’t care. I don’t know really because its all made up in my head at this point.
I want to say I am sorry. Sorry for not being there when you were sick. For not being around in the hard times of your life. I don’t truly know how to explain why I stayed away, but I will try. Know its not to excuse myself, but simply to explain.
The day I heard you were sick, my first reaction was to jump in my car and show up at your door. My heart was pounding I didn’t know how to feel. My husband told me do it, go you don’t want to regret it. Something inside me was so afraid to show up unannounced and uninvited. I didn’t hear about you from your mom or dad or wife. I heard about it in a distant way that led me to believe I wasn’t supposed to know. We hadn’t been connected in quite a while and our annual traditions slowly went away. I questioned my place.
I know time creates shifts and having our own families makes time spent harder. Others become a priority. Family groups seem to get smaller and distances more wide. I’m sorry I let my insecurity get it the way of my heart. I miss you. I regret that I don’t know your family. I regret that we never see each other and I fear too much time has past to ever be close again.
Pictures of you and your beautiful family make me smile, thank God for Facebook (I never thought I’d say that). Knowing how successful and happy you all are makes me proud. I miss you and everyone else especially each January when the memories of playing soldiers and wresting until we laughed ourselves exhausted fill my being.
Our distance may have nothing or everything to do with me not being there for you, but either way I hope you forgive me for not being the person I want to be. I hope you know how much I love all of you. I think of you often and hope that your lives are everything you ever imagined them to be.
Some day I hope to be brave enough to actually send this letter to you. Until then I send my love and energy through distances and time.
All my love,
Nickie
