“I think what we fear most is not having the opportunity to fill our true potential” –Dan Pallotta
I love how Ted Talks make me think. Things I forgotten about or let seep deep within come gurgling back up. This time its dreams. Its interesting, about 7-10 years ago I decided that “dreams” was a bad word. That it somehow implied something that would never happen, something that you would consistently seek but never actually reach. I stopped using it.
I swear each month I discover some belief that I had absurdly convinced myself of. This is one of them. When I think about it, the day I made this ridiculous decision is right about the time that I also stopped believing in my own creativity. I gave myself goals and tasks. I learned about business and discipline. I sought success and not meaning. I forgot what it was that made me want it all to begin with. It was the slow demised of my spirit.
I sit hear now after watching this talk thinking about how important what he has says is. I was so afraid that I would never achieve my dreams that I became one of those lost souls wandering and waiting; wanting someone to find me. I gave up a huge part of my personality. I have always been the girl who always smiles, what I became was intense. A word used to describe me quite a lot a few years ago. I didn’t like it or who I had become in that sense. That’s when I started rethinking my path.
Its not that I was mean or miserable, but I somehow forgot this was all supposed to be fun. I had this notion that I needed know everything and that if it didn’t come easy I was a dud, a failure, a fraud. This mask of security kept me safe, people thought I knew and I was happy to let them think it; at least that’s what I told myself. Everything became about knowing as opposed to exploring. As a camp counselor I won the “Give Peace a Chance Award” for my teaching style. Where did that willful, excited and incredibly inspired girl go…fear I suppose. Back then fear didn’t stop me; I would say, I know a lot, I’ll figure it out. I always did.
The past few years have been filled with growth, change and challenges. The past 2 were especially hard and yet I can honestly say this past year I have been happier than ever. I have become incredibly self aware. Now though as opposed to dissecting everything I do, decision I make, stupid thing I mistakenly said I sit with it. I question why I’m upset and think…okay, you’re okay right? Then its okay. I am more than okay, even when I’m not. I am blessed in fact.
I have begun to see that in my search for success, I lost what was important. I needed more than the idea or symbol of connection, I actually needed to connect. That part has been hard, but I’m doing it. After all, how can I change the world if I feel alone. I want to see the significance of each and every person I meet. I want to be open. On some level in some way I do want to change the world. I want to do it by opening doors and creating bridges both personally and in my art. I want what I do with my life to be meaningful. I want the stories I tell to be real stories about people who are misunderstood and have a hand in healing. I want to get over my own judgement and understand the unknown. Perhaps really its simply my world I want to change, I don’t know? What I do know is that even if that is the case, that if I change my world it will open a door and build a bridge to changing others one world at a time. A chain that can link us soul by soul, heart to heart.
My dream is to be a person who moves others with her words, her actions, her art and her life. My dream is to know and live who I am meant to be. For the first time in years I believe I’m on the true course, rowing in the authentic direction for my life. Today I dare to dream again.
Namastè
Nichole
