Saturday, March 12, 2021, 5:30 pm
Dear Beautiful girl,
As we sit here together today I take in every breath of you upon my chest. Today is our last day together. I have often thought, perhaps, wasted many days wondering if it would be the last but today I know it to be true.
I don’t know how to say goodbye and I can’t imagine you not here. Somehow its seems you’ve always been. You are what remains of the beginnings of our lives together. Though, I know in my heart that means a new beginning, I could never be ready for this end.
It was devastating when we lost Mojo, our precious boy, but you were here to help us through to remind us of our family and of our beautiful time together. The amazing hikes to mountain tops to watch the eagles soar over the valley, through the forest along the river to play by the waterfalls. Our mutual love of pizza, ice cream and pillows. We did everything together, saw our first buffalos and the first home we could truly call all ours.
I know I will never have human children but you will always be my baby girl, my bubby sweetie and the million other names I’ll add in the end. You are a daddy’s girl, and though sometimes it hurt, you always came to me when you didn’t know what else to do. A gift really, to know your counted on, trusted to help, and there when needed. I think I’ve been a good mom. That I can hold forever.
I still can’t help but question. I can’t say that there isn’t a giant piece of me praying that you’ll be the one to let go, to go when you are ready so I don’t have to wonder for years to come if I read the signs you gave us right or if I gave up on you. You’ve bounced back so many times, our little Tank, it’s terrifying to think we might be wrong. But, as we sit here, your tired body working so hard to simply breathe, you’re muscles limp, your body weak and you’re eyes…so tired, we know; we don’t want to, but we know it’s our role to do what’s right, no matter how wrong it feels or how hard and excruciating that is.
So, I sit here in the sun with you on my chest in the backyard of our beautiful home you’ve helped to build writing this love letter to your life. There will never be another like you, it’s impossible. You are crazy wonderful, fabulously annoying, impeccably irrational, and one hundred percent perfect.
I am truly a better person having been your momma, and Mr Mo and the Belly get to thank you and your brother for that. I know he and Shep will be waiting for you, that Joe will show you around and give you all the pizza you want. I pray there will be sunshine and waterfalls and all the beauty and comfort and love you can imagine. No matter what, I know there will be no suffering or pain.
You have made this world a place to be. Your papa and I will always hold you close, so don’t fear, it’s ok. You take our hearts with you. There is but one my love…we are but one.
I love you precious girl. I will let you go but I don’t think after writing this, I will ever say goodbye. You will always be a part of me and clichė as it is, true love can never die.
Namastè my love.
March 13, 2021, 11 am
Today you’re gone. Your adored little body taken away this morning. We knew it was our last night together, it was both the longest night of my life and yet one I didn’t want to end. I’m so grateful for the hours I had with you sitting on my chest, you looking up to be sure we were still there, and we were, feeling your precious heart working so hard.
We finally gave in to the need to lay down our bodies, and rest our heads. We set the bed, you between us hands on you trying to sleep but unable to rest, ever aware of every breath. We knew how uncomfortable you were and gave you that final dose of medication and a little sedative to help you sleep and give some relief.
Our hands on you at all times we heard you let us know. We laid close our hands together on you until you left us giving us the gift of not making us let you go. Our hearts bursting and tears rattling our teeth we gave you our hearts and souls one last time as we each held you and each other.
With broken hearts we wrapped you with tenderness then laid you in my meditation room wear we laid together for hours, fairy lights glowing, wanting to remember the love and not the loss; there can never be one without the other but the loss is full of joy for having loved you.
My sweet girl, you are as much a part of me as my hands and my spine. You will never be gone, you are an essential foundation of who we have become.
Thank you for loving us, thank you for giving us the world, for teaching us who we are and for letting us go so we didn’t have to. You are my heart and I will mourn you, I will let myself feel the pain so I can embrace your memory. I don’t want to hide from that gift.
Today we went to Miniwaska with the brindles to celebrate you. To remember our many hikes and laughs. Farewell my love, your body has left but your soul lives forever with us.
Happy Birthday my Love,
*Miss Shyann A.K.A The Bubby, Bubby girl, Baby girl, Sweet pea, Peanut, Princess, Princess PePe, Sophie (ask Grandpa Bob), Shy Girl (Grandpa Bubba), the pippee girl, the ole lady, the pillow princess, Beautiful girl, Bubba sweetie, Herself (Bill), Chicken butt, THE TANK