“Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something, not even me.”
– The Pursuit of Happyness | 2006
It may not always seem like it to others, but since my 30s I’ve found it challenging to dream. When I say dream, I mean – let go and allow myself to visualize all possibilities with no limits. To give myself the gift of vision. When I was younger dreaming was all I did, maybe that’s the issue. I’d dream and plan and seek, but there was always something in the way.
I’m a stickler for safety and security. I’ve been poor, I’ve had what others would think was nothing. But I always had a roof over my head and food in my belly – love. That for me became the foundation for everything. Something I couldn’t live without – Play it safe. What are the risks? The level of risk it takes to potentially lose this security has stopped me in my tracks for years creating imbalance and indecision. I get a spark here and there and once the risk grew I’d look over my shoulder seeing the life raft floating away.
Jump ship!
Now!
It’s exhausting and at times physically painful to keep my visions down. To swallow them repeatedly. I created a perpetual guarantee that the things I wanted so badly would float by this has built a distrust in myself. Me. Just me, no one else, just the chorus of fears in my head surviving off insecurity and old traumas.
Now, I’m trying desperate to fight past these walls I’ve built. I’m seeking something new, working to remember the dreams I had in my youth when I was once deemed by friends and family “the Renaissance girl”. Everything seemed at least – almost possible.
Ooh…right there – even then – I wrote almost.
My husband has told me for years now, we’ll figure it out, what do you want? With each exploration my mind has limited me; it’s selfish, but what about this or that? I hold so many things dear that giving something up – ugh – time with my husband and pets or my alone meditation time, being able to still – get the face cream I spend a bit too much on because I know it’s helped me have the great skin I do.
Are these excuses or real? I know I can’t have it all but what’s more important?
Therein lies the rub – I don’t know! I’ve always envied people who so clearly know what they want.
Since June I’ve been taking a writing class with Rhonda Britten, a life coach I’ve followed for years, she advertised it and I was like – oh I can afford that! I jumped. I am now in the 4th round of the class and have taken her stretch risk and die theory to heart by signing up for her book writing class. The risk is the class, the die – knowing I’d get honest hard feedback on my writing. That happened to me years ago in college and let’s say – only in the past year have I felt maybe, just maybe- they were wrong.
On the other side, and where all this is coming from, I have been taking several Vision based meditation courses. Going deep inside and allowing my mind to see what feels almost impossible for my future.
Here is me letting go in one of my visualizations:
I’m on the beach outside a lakehouse. It’s sunrise and a group of us are meditating in a semicircle. There are about 8-10 people with me; Rhonda is one of them. I’m wearing light cargo-style pants, a tank, and a cashmere poncho. I am strong and healthy; my hair is shorter – I’m Empowered. The lakehouse is behind us with a deck and glass walls overlooking the lake. The air is calm. I run these retreats regularly. My following for my coaching is solid. I am an award-winning writer, my memoir, poetry, and essays have proven to me I CAN WRITE. I am calm and confident. I love what I do.
As the quote at the start commands – don’t let anything hold you back ESPECIALLY YOURSELF!
The world is ours to have; those of us fortunate enough to have choice and freedom – Fly if you can – my wings may still be a bit bare – but they’re growing! How about yours?
I’d love to hear about your visions for yourself – if you don’t know, take a moment and close your eyes. Breathe. Think about what you love and want. See it, no limits, free.
What do you see? Where are you? How does it feel?
Pura Vida my friends!
Nichole
How on earth am I still sometimes silenced? How can that be? The façade I’ve held up, for all to see, shows the story of strength and wisdom, yet still – I’m silenced. In the past it was others, now it is something I do to myself.
