How on earth am I still sometimes silenced? How can that be? The façade I’ve held up, for all to see, shows the story of strength and wisdom, yet still – I’m silenced. In the past it was others, now it is something I do to myself.
It is not my literal voice that is stuffed but my emotional one. It started to shut down about 6 or 7 years ago. I finally discovered when and the why. It was, yes again, people I loved. This time I wasn’t silenced with control, I was silenced with both guilt and abandonment.
The struggle for me is always –
What did I do?
Did I say something to offend or hurt them?
Why did they leave or hurt me?
Do they even realize the pain they caused, how much I loved them?
I know having “the talk” is how it should be answered, but I’ve tried and one cannot see the truth for their own fear and pain, the other believes they did nothing wrong. And as someone I trust and admire says, “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”. I try regularly to remember this.
I’ll never have the answers or the results I want. No one else can do that, this is on me. I’ve been working on it for 3 years now. Letting go, re-opening my heart, working to build trust in myself and others again. Yes, still I am silenced sometimes – but I’m always working towards breaking the facade to see the beauty in being vulnerable again.
The doors and windows are now open. It’s more than a start.
If anyone has ever felt this way, you are not alone. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Vulnerability is always welcome here.
Namastè & Pura Vida