The Bellie

So precious, looking at me with those sparkling eyes. I can’t help but smile. She’s been so good all day, sitting mostly quiet by my side. Asking for attention but letting me go back as I need. I hate to disappoint her so I’m sure to bend down and give her kisses on her big ‘ole noggin.

I cannot understand why anyone would judge her simply for what she is. She had no choice, and we will love her all the more for it.

I can’t wait to be done with my daily commitments so I can get down on the floor with her and see that beautiful pink belly looking up at me as I give her the love, she deserves.

Little Moments

I long to befriend fear
– to walk hand and hand,
heart to hope.

Well, this Happened

It’s time to emerge. Emerge and embrace where I am and what’s next. It’s certainly not what I planned but I think it’s something we all think about – How will I react sitting in a doctor’s office getting bad news? The dreaded news that your life is about to change. I realize now I’ve been wandering through life with the ignorance of a teenager who thinks or at least lives as if they’re immortal. Turns out that, well, WTF! I’m not!

I survived Meningitis as a baby and a brain tumor and surgery as an adult. Luck? Who really knows? It’s a silly question really. Luck is just a trick we play on ourselves when we don’t have practical answers.

This time, last year I went on a meditation retreat at the Omega Institute with Jeff Warren, he’s awesome by the way, check him out. It was amazing. I had never gone that deep for so long as we did. Over 100 people in a room, not to mention virtually, sharing space and energy. I absolutely thought more than once I’d fall asleep, but I didn’t. I stayed present, I was awake. Awake to myself, to commitment and belief that this was meaningful. Oh, and I had one of the best massages in my life, I get them fairly regularly – so that’s saying something. I will say there is something to be said about a masseuse who’s also an energy healer – but I digress, maybe another time.

After the retreat later that week, I started to feel off. I thought, wow, I went deep and brought up all the shit deeply embedded, and I was realizing it. Two weeks later I was still sick and now on day four of fevers, I went to urgent care, nothing. Went to my doctor; nothing. Test after test, then specialists: hematologist, infectious disease, rheumatologist, nephrologist – Check – check – check. Finally, the hematologist looks at me and says, well, something’s not right there’s a reason you don’t feel well. My blood numbers were off the charts. We clung to his words – I really don’t see this coming back as cancer. He was certain it was some autoimmune issue, and it didn’t take much to convince me to do a bone marrow biopsy when he said it was the most efficient way to find what was wrong.

After three months of tests, specialists, daily fevers, no sleep etcetera, he was right. I was sitting on the couch, two friends over, it was recommended I not be alone in case I fainted. I was severely anemic. We were sitting chatting and I got a call (I’d begun to answer numbers I didn’t know since all of this had happened).

It was my hematologist, very excited –

We got it, we know what it is, it’s Multiple Myeloma! I’ve called my colleague at the Myeloma Center, he runs it, and he knew what it was immediately. He’d absolutely seen it before. Here’s his number, he’s expecting your call. This is great news, this is treatable.

Great? Ah, thanks. I hung up, my friends only hearing mm-hmms and okays then taking notes. I look at them both and say – umm… It seems I have cancer. Multiple Myelomablood cancer. Now, I have feared blood cancer for years (ask my therapist), always afraid my good health had a hijacker. I had all these questions for years getting things checked because of a pain or a strange shift I felt in my body. Everything is normal, every time. I’d think – well, what can’t they see? I know my body, something is off.

It is a specialized illness and I clung to the doctor’s words, “it’s treatable”. I used them hard, and so did my husband, over and over.

I started treatment Immediately was out of work for six months and went on an educational trip through the internet trying desperately not to Google generally. Because yes, it is treatable, but for how long? Turns out this is a cancer that, though rare, is the second most common blood cancer in the world. Who knew? I’d never heard of it. In the past five years so many treatments have come to fruition -but – there is no cure, and it is guaranteed to come back. This is a lifelong, chronic illness, a ticking time bomb that I now must learn how to live with. That teenage immortality has been eaten away by vicious plasma cells invading my bones. I’ve learned a lot, I joined a support group, I’m taking a writing class, and I’m working on getting back to coaching after this lovely relaxing hiatus. Seriously!?!

This is honestly something that could kill me much sooner than my plan in life. It is also something that holds hope. I can live a good and long life. I’ve often felt when others have struggled or suffered, why me? Why am I OK? What did I do to deserve so much, and they not? Such fucking stupid questions! Sadly, it has nothing to do with what we do or who we are. This is simply the TRUTH – life is hard.

So – here is my new question and how I plan to see things as I move forward…

Why not me?
Why should I not be healthy – lucky – fortunate?
Why not?

I can and should survive. I can and will be fortunate. I will live my life fully and for a long period because why the fuck not me? I’m young. I’m strong. I’m determined. I’m terrified, but come on, who isn’t? We’re all afraid. But it’s no reason to give up. It’s exactly the reason to get up and take that next step.

I am alive and I am grateful. Whatever your situation, I ask the same for you. We all deserve the best, so let’s work to make the best of the things out of our control while bringing joy to all the things in our lives that we can.

So now, I send YOU love and healing for whatever you might be going through.

How have you helped yourself through difficult times?
What is a song you play that makes everything better even for just a few minutes?
What is it about that song?
What do you do for comfort when you’re afraid?

Please share if you’re called to or know someone this could support.

Love to all.

Namastè & Pura Vida my friends!
Nichole

Happy Sept 1st! Let’s get Grounded

“The beginning is always today.”

– Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

Hey there,

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted and I thought a nice grounding meditation to start the month off right was the perfect way to start.

FYI – This is a video, click to watch.

Hope this brings a little calm to your day.

Namastè & Pura Vida my friends!

REBLOG: The Brief Chronicles

Hey everyone,

Check out my post The Founder’s Gift on  The Brief Chronicles,  The Players blog.

I wrote this speech 5 years ago while I was serving as Vice President. Today 5 years later and after 10 years of membership, my heart still warmly resides within the walls and amongst the ghosts.

If you enjoy the article, please share and sign up for future posts from The Brief Chronicles blog. As the Publisher I’m very proud of this blog and its content creators. Especially my Editor Tom Dupree, it wouldn’t happen without him!

Namasté

Little Moments

I vow not to be held down, to learn to let go, to breathe deep and head straight into fear.

Namastè

NicholeDonjè

#artist #nicholedonjeartist #southie #southboston #boston #nyc #newyorkcity #ny #yonkersny #yonkers #photography #poetry #writing #art #lifelessons #personalgrowth #dogmomma #activism #feminism #theatre #director #connection #selfcare #selflove #acceptance #nature #compassion #curiousty #creativity #courage #trust #poet #haiku #ACCCT

5 More Minutes

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I woke up today, did my yoga, took my shower, had my oatmeal and my luscious rich morning coffee. The air was perfect. A slight breeze wafted through the windows and the sun glared just high enough on the glass to glow but not shock my eyes. There was a healthy silence; one saturated with calming energy and a peaceful fullness.

My husband wandered in with his coffee and sat down next to me. He took a deep breath and we smiled in a silent understanding then closed our eyes for just 5 more minute before we had to start our busy days.

These are the times I acknowlege the gift of my new home, the comfort of my couch and the security I have built in my life.

Namasté

©NicholeDonjè

By the River’s Edge

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Walking down the village main street of Cold Springs. It smells like vacation: a faint scent of firewood and river tides. That sticky cotton candy smell a dropped ice cream cone gives after sitting hours in the August sun. An Elvis tribute artist plays at the Silver Spoon Cafe drawing us back to simpler days. There’s an air of excitement. Fireworks tomorrow; I envision children running up and down the street with sparklers as energetic mutts chase their tails.

I smile silently. My heart is quiet, beating softly as we hold hands like high school kids just discovering the twinges and jitters of true love. By the river’s edge he points to look up, the stars reel quickly toward the horizon. We watch as they disappear in the distance one by one behind the silhouette of the Storm King hills. Our closeness is silent, our lives content.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè