The Bellie

So precious, looking at me with those sparkling eyes. I can’t help but smile. She’s been so good all day, sitting mostly quiet by my side. Asking for attention but letting me go back as I need. I hate to disappoint her so I’m sure to bend down and give her kisses on her big ‘ole noggin.

I cannot understand why anyone would judge her simply for what she is. She had no choice, and we will love her all the more for it.

I can’t wait to be done with my daily commitments so I can get down on the floor with her and see that beautiful pink belly looking up at me as I give her the love, she deserves.

Little Moments

I long to befriend fear
– to walk hand and hand,
heart to hope.

Well, this Happened

It’s time to emerge. Emerge and embrace where I am and what’s next. It’s certainly not what I planned but I think it’s something we all think about – How will I react sitting in a doctor’s office getting bad news? The dreaded news that your life is about to change. I realize now I’ve been wandering through life with the ignorance of a teenager who thinks or at least lives as if they’re immortal. Turns out that, well, WTF! I’m not!

I survived Meningitis as a baby and a brain tumor and surgery as an adult. Luck? Who really knows? It’s a silly question really. Luck is just a trick we play on ourselves when we don’t have practical answers.

This time, last year I went on a meditation retreat at the Omega Institute with Jeff Warren, he’s awesome by the way, check him out. It was amazing. I had never gone that deep for so long as we did. Over 100 people in a room, not to mention virtually, sharing space and energy. I absolutely thought more than once I’d fall asleep, but I didn’t. I stayed present, I was awake. Awake to myself, to commitment and belief that this was meaningful. Oh, and I had one of the best massages in my life, I get them fairly regularly – so that’s saying something. I will say there is something to be said about a masseuse who’s also an energy healer – but I digress, maybe another time.

After the retreat later that week, I started to feel off. I thought, wow, I went deep and brought up all the shit deeply embedded, and I was realizing it. Two weeks later I was still sick and now on day four of fevers, I went to urgent care, nothing. Went to my doctor; nothing. Test after test, then specialists: hematologist, infectious disease, rheumatologist, nephrologist – Check – check – check. Finally, the hematologist looks at me and says, well, something’s not right there’s a reason you don’t feel well. My blood numbers were off the charts. We clung to his words – I really don’t see this coming back as cancer. He was certain it was some autoimmune issue, and it didn’t take much to convince me to do a bone marrow biopsy when he said it was the most efficient way to find what was wrong.

After three months of tests, specialists, daily fevers, no sleep etcetera, he was right. I was sitting on the couch, two friends over, it was recommended I not be alone in case I fainted. I was severely anemic. We were sitting chatting and I got a call (I’d begun to answer numbers I didn’t know since all of this had happened).

It was my hematologist, very excited –

We got it, we know what it is, it’s Multiple Myeloma! I’ve called my colleague at the Myeloma Center, he runs it, and he knew what it was immediately. He’d absolutely seen it before. Here’s his number, he’s expecting your call. This is great news, this is treatable.

Great? Ah, thanks. I hung up, my friends only hearing mm-hmms and okays then taking notes. I look at them both and say – umm… It seems I have cancer. Multiple Myelomablood cancer. Now, I have feared blood cancer for years (ask my therapist), always afraid my good health had a hijacker. I had all these questions for years getting things checked because of a pain or a strange shift I felt in my body. Everything is normal, every time. I’d think – well, what can’t they see? I know my body, something is off.

It is a specialized illness and I clung to the doctor’s words, “it’s treatable”. I used them hard, and so did my husband, over and over.

I started treatment Immediately was out of work for six months and went on an educational trip through the internet trying desperately not to Google generally. Because yes, it is treatable, but for how long? Turns out this is a cancer that, though rare, is the second most common blood cancer in the world. Who knew? I’d never heard of it. In the past five years so many treatments have come to fruition -but – there is no cure, and it is guaranteed to come back. This is a lifelong, chronic illness, a ticking time bomb that I now must learn how to live with. That teenage immortality has been eaten away by vicious plasma cells invading my bones. I’ve learned a lot, I joined a support group, I’m taking a writing class, and I’m working on getting back to coaching after this lovely relaxing hiatus. Seriously!?!

This is honestly something that could kill me much sooner than my plan in life. It is also something that holds hope. I can live a good and long life. I’ve often felt when others have struggled or suffered, why me? Why am I OK? What did I do to deserve so much, and they not? Such fucking stupid questions! Sadly, it has nothing to do with what we do or who we are. This is simply the TRUTH – life is hard.

So – here is my new question and how I plan to see things as I move forward…

Why not me?
Why should I not be healthy – lucky – fortunate?
Why not?

I can and should survive. I can and will be fortunate. I will live my life fully and for a long period because why the fuck not me? I’m young. I’m strong. I’m determined. I’m terrified, but come on, who isn’t? We’re all afraid. But it’s no reason to give up. It’s exactly the reason to get up and take that next step.

I am alive and I am grateful. Whatever your situation, I ask the same for you. We all deserve the best, so let’s work to make the best of the things out of our control while bringing joy to all the things in our lives that we can.

So now, I send YOU love and healing for whatever you might be going through.

How have you helped yourself through difficult times?
What is a song you play that makes everything better even for just a few minutes?
What is it about that song?
What do you do for comfort when you’re afraid?

Please share if you’re called to or know someone this could support.

Love to all.

Namastè & Pura Vida my friends!
Nichole

Love Is…

Love is…

never forgetting

always wondering
asking

making time
forgiving

surrendering to life

profound

constantly moving
unselfish

never cruel
taking chances

listening

a gentle caress
a sensual kiss

a reassuring glance

a rollercoaster ride

a pool of confusion
foolish in the eyes of many

sad for those who know it not

an emptying of souls
a filling of hearts

unpolluted whispers
wings of freedom

infinity

bare feet on warm silky sands

bananas in your cereal
a good beer and Mexican food

chocolate on ice cream
a popsicle in the summer

orange juice with breakfast
sunshine on a crystal clear stream

a day off in hectic times

smiling freely

feeling playful
dancing in the rain

swimming in the moonlight
making love under the stars or in the sun

feeling the open air on your skin

embracing your life

finding your way in the darkest of times
Knowing you are not alone

This all is Love

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè

By the River’s Edge

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Walking down the village main street of Cold Springs. It smells like vacation: a faint scent of firewood and river tides. That sticky cotton candy smell a dropped ice cream cone gives after sitting hours in the August sun. An Elvis tribute artist plays at the Silver Spoon Cafe drawing us back to simpler days. There’s an air of excitement. Fireworks tomorrow; I envision children running up and down the street with sparklers as energetic mutts chase their tails.

I smile silently. My heart is quiet, beating softly as we hold hands like high school kids just discovering the twinges and jitters of true love. By the river’s edge he points to look up, the stars reel quickly toward the horizon. We watch as they disappear in the distance one by one behind the silhouette of the Storm King hills. Our closeness is silent, our lives content.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè

Observations

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“Try to be a sheet of paper with nothing on it. Be a spot of ground where nothing is growing, where something might be planted, a seed, possibly, from the Absolute.” – Rumi

This week my soul became a bit more aware of itself. The sun is a bit brighter, the touch of the breeze on my skin more delicate and the desire to share my heart with those I care for a bit deeper.

This cognizance is a keen foundation to dive into, unafraid and with acute decisiveness. I am asking myself openly, what is holding me back? Why is vulnerability so hard when it is the gateway to everything I want. I have been vulnerable this week; at times by choice and at times not. What I have found is that in either case I have stood sober and unobstructed by fear. I have heard and absorbed what is good and released whatever is unnecessary to hold. It has been comforting to trust in myself.

I am quieted, contemplative and curious. What more do I need?

Namastè
Nichole Donjè

Life Poems 4

Stella Doro S Cookies, Wise Onion & Garlic chips, a Maxwell House Can with Bacon Fat and Hellmann’s Mayonnaise

The smell of bacon fills me with excitement as I run to the kitchen. Grandma is standing at the stove cooking her daily lunch of Wonder Bread, Hellmann’s mayo and bacon fat. I beg for a bite. Disgusted yet again at the horrible texture I spit it out. My brain refusing to connect that something that smells so good can taste so bad.

After she eats I sit on her lap admiring the hard earned lines in her face. Every day she wears a nurses uniform blue and white, it never changes. I like to think she loves and misses being nurse in the war. But her eyes are sad, and though cloudy, they share so much. Her lack of English limited our conversation, but her heart and touch fill me with love.

I start to bounce as the familiar sound fills my ears and she sings “oom pa oom pa oom papa, oom pa oom pa oom papaaaa….”. I fall between her legs to be swiftly saved and pulled back up again and again.  This is a highly anticipated time in my day. We share Wise onion and garlic chips, the bright green bag that religiously sits on the top of the fridge. Happily we crunch as the sweet and tangy flavors rush across our tongues.

Soon she will head for her afternoon walk. She leaves for hours walking from South Boston to Cambridge and back; our ragamuffin dog following the whole way faithfully at her side. She carries an American flag tapping the houses she passes with the stick. Her collar always adorned with an embroidered four leaf clover sticker. I think she feels lucky to be in America, and each tap is a thank you to the country and god. On her return she makes tea and grabs the Stella D’oro S cookies as a treat. I don’t like them much but I love her and the love they represent.

For me, Grandma is a collection of fascinating objects and broken memories. She fills my heart and helps me understand what a smile is for.

She is the faded virgin mother poster with broken glass that sits behind a washing machine that never works.

She is a green rabbit’s foot that sits on the window sill next to a faded black and white photo of my grandfather in his coffin; the back covered with writing in Lithuanian.

She is laughter and love without language.

She is an old long navy blue coat in the closet with the tiniest waist I’ve ever seen.

She is the one who makes me eat with my right hand and never with my left.

She is an adventurous traveler and a lover of lost pets.

She is Stella D’or0 S cookiesWise Onion & Garlic chips, a Maxwell House can filled with with bacon fat, and Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

She is my creative internal compass for understanding love.

©NicholeDonjè

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