Tag: nichole donje

My 10 Minute Rants

2/15/17

Sometimes I am so full of energy I am not quite sure what to do with it. In fact, I overwhelm myself so much that I shut down to some extents. Right now in my life is an oddly troubling time, but as I sit in it, this strange phenomenon seems to be happening. I am getting sparked. I am all of a sudden inundated with ideas and possible connections. It seems like people are reaching out and I want to give…give…give. I fear to spread myself too thin. I’m apprehensive to take on too much. In reality, I dread my life passing to quickly as it often does when my energy gets the best of me. I go…go…go until all of a sudden it’s two years later, and I realize I don’t even know where I’m heading anymore. I will say, this time feels different. I feel ready for something; I’m not quite sure what, but I believe it’s coming and coming fast. I am more aware of myself than I have ever been, more content and calm than I have ever known and oddly more stable, as unstable as my current situation is. But there is this openness, this flow I do not want to plug. It is rushing forward. It’s personal, it’s professional, and it’s political. I am in a black hole rushing through to the other side, not knowing when I will be thrust out into the unknown. I don’t want to lose myself; I want to keep a clear head. I don’t want to focus on what’s hard, but instead, on what’s possible. My true nature is emerging as it did in my late teens and early twenties, but without the baggage that held me down. It is all me. I want clarity. I seek the truth, I am ready to understand my purpose, and I am scared as hell! There is a ship awaiting me on the other side of this wormhole, and I will happily set out on this crazy endeavor with my voice loud and powerful. I know deep down that this year will help define me in one way or another. And finally, I believe that is a good thing. It is time for that rock that has been weighing me down deep inside to be passed, tossed out into the atmosphere to break apart and turn to dust, the stardust that will guide me.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè

My 10 Minute Rants

1/30/17

As I take a deep breath my heart slows down and my nerves calm. I am in a state of awareness that I often let slip away throughout my day. It is a strange time. Like floating away on the ocean, there is both calm and chaos. The sound of the water rushing by, the waves crashing. There is that calming swoosh like the echoes in a conch shell. It’s a rhythm that connects us to the earth. And yet, there is fear. In the ocean, we cannot see what is below us or even what is around us. We are vulnerable to the creatures below and the elements that encompass our being. Our bodies are living and breathing. Always wondering what is next. How will I survive? Will I survive? Can I do this alone, never mind do it at all. These thoughts are there to remind us of what life puts before us. To remember that we can ask for help. That this little piece of chaos is not the norm and that we can survive it. I take in the calm, let the sun fall over my skin and drink in its warmth. It is a puzzle this life. We make it complicated and often confusing when it need not be. Then, we ignore when it is time to stop, breathe and think long and hard about our next steps because that is what will lead us to our purpose. Learning to recognize this, this little voice in our heads that reaches out and says…follow me; I know the way. We act as if this is that ocean, filled with chaos and fear. I say breathe deep, listen to the song in the air and remember who you are. I know it’s easier said than done, if not I wouldn’t always be exploring what my soul pushes forth. But, I must, that is my fate. To grow, to risk, to dare to be more than I thought I could be. To seek the things I never thought possible. To know that whatever it is my soul acknowledges, whether, in a dream or, a thought or an idea, it can be true. My belief system is broken and now is my time to rebuild it. To have faith, not in God or the world around me, but for God’s sake…to have it in myself; the one truth I know, the one thing I have that no one else does. My heart is capable of the openness it seeks.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè

Let’s Talk in the Now -Part 2

To have the world we want, we must be willing to ask for it.

The reason there is a Part 2 to this post is because I did not post Part 1 when I wrote it. I decided after that I needed to take steps, to challenge myself and the ideas I had just written. I forced myself to be vulnerable.

The day after I wrote that, I decided to make plans with a dear friend I was missing desperately. Things had been strained between us and I not only missed, but needed him. It’s hard for me to face my fears when it comes to personal relationships. When I love someone, my heart grows desperate if I feel my truth could hurt them. Instead I shut it in and stuff it down, which I do not recommend. It can come in handy as a pause, but it’s terrible as an emotional habit.

What happened was profound. We are both in new places in our lives. The reaction I was afraid of did not exist and a warm and open heart is what I got. For the first time in years I felt that he heard me. He didn’t question me and didn’t make me feel bad. In fact it was quite the opposite and I felt that in that moment got my best friend back. I am so grateful.

That same week, I made a difficult phone call based on the reaction of a colleague. I made my concerns known with compassion and openness, and again…I was heard. I set up a call with a treasured friend who I wanted to talk to, but was afraid to share the pain I was feeling with. I didn’t want to burden her and have her think I was being dramatic. I had avoided the call for weeks. When we spoke the relief flooded and she assured me that if I ever needed to just cry, I was welcome to.

We all go through our own personal chaos. The lucky ones were taught that no one can do it alone, they ask for what they need and though it’s still hard as shit, knowing you’re not alone gets you through. Unfortunately for many of us it’s not like that. Some force the chaos on others, some blame the world and others squelch it down into the deepest part of their bones (that would be me by the way) hoping it will somehow disappear. This is even harder for people who have spent their lives needing to be strong. Thinking it weak to ask for help or simply say I need you now because I’m not strong enough alone.

Somewhere in my life I learned that to cry, to be exposed, to allow others to see that I am not perfect or as together as so many think I am; it makes me weak. What writing Part 1 showed me was my reflection. I had to see myself and ask if I am actually asking for what I need or sharing my truth. What am I actually saying? I realized that more often than not, I am the one to change the subject. I don’t want to talk about myself…or should I say, expose myself. I am uncomfortable if I think the other person is uncomfortable. I assume they do not want to hear the negative. In some cases, I’m sure that’s true but not as often as I have allowed myself to believe.

In reality what I am learning is that I do want to be seen, and not for the person people think I am, for the person who I actually am. I am a strong, intelligent woman whose soul requires being a part of a community. I am an artist who loves to collaborate, and leader who wants to learn as much as she teaches. I am a human being, like all others, who is imperfect and afraid and I will fight for the courage to be okay with it all, however long that takes.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè

Let’s Talk in the Now -Part 1

Finding the truth is the only way to move forward.

I was watching the inspirational Brenè Brown on Super Soul Sunday (my happy addiction), as usual I was moved but, this time I had a different take. She discussed how people rarely talk about their journey when they’re down, it’s after the fact; which though inspiring, often in the end, after we’ve tried following their advice or walked a similar path and failed, we are disappointed both with the world and with ourselves. It’s easier to share what we have been through when we have made it to the other side, but what about when you truly question if you’ll get there. This profoundly made me consider where I am in my life right now.

What I am realizing is that I want to talk about it now as it’s happening, to share my fear, the struggle and the triumph. In Rising Strong, Brene says we as a people look away, and sadly, it’s true. I’ve found all too often when people ask, how are you? They either don’t really want to know, or they cannot handle the reality of what you want to share. More than once when I have been going through something, someone I know will see it in me and ask how I am or if I’m okay. The response is often unsettling. More than once I have worked to put aside my lack of trust to be vulnerable, hoping to be heard. What all too often happens is quite honestly painful.

1. The person shifts subjects as you tell them that you’re struggling and moves on as if they had never asked the initial question 2. They jump in and rant how shitty the world is (and in turn tell me all their issues, often negating mine), or 3. Though well intentioned, they are determined to be hyper positive. They want to fix it, make it all better, and give me all the answers that quite honestly often there is no answer to. All of these responses tend to make me either no longer want share my actual truth or make me feel as if they don’t really want to hear it. Sadly I know that I have been this person too and I want to change.

To listen, to hear with compassion and love, that’s what I want. It’s what we all want, to be heard. It’s the person I want to be, and I’m working on it.  I’m nostalgic for my childhood and college friendships. The long nights talking about anything and everything, wholeheartedly enveloped in and committed to one another’s lives. It gets hard when we realize that most friends cannot be this for us. I have so many friends, all of whom I love dearly and many who I know love me. But this is rare.

I ask myself, what I am doing differently or wrong. Is this just the way relationships work now? Did I miss something? I certainly hope not. Perhaps we are all just afraid to share and make ourselves vulnerable in this unpredictable world. Maybe that is what this time of technology has taught us. Stay safe, type it don’t say it; read it don’t hear it. If it’s at a distance it can’t hurt me. I really do wonder. All I can do is work on me and hope that I find in myself the will and commitment to rebuild these ideals, to make such closeness real again.

Namastè

©NicholeDonjè