DONJÈ COACHINGThe artists playground

A Little Piece of Paradise

Today has been a bit of paradise. Its fascinating thinking about what paradise is. How extravagant or simple it can be. Today I awoke to the snow falling softly outside the huge windows of the room we are staying in. As I sat the in the quiet of the morning a natural meditation took over. My mind slipped into the billowing movement. As the hour passed as the land coated with white. I just watched with a hot cup of coffee in my hand and Dean Everson playing in the background as my husband slept. I was Calm.

That started the day, readying me for a walk in the snow with the pups who seem to thrive in this air and on this land. My little “Shy”ann aggressively and fearlessly running back and forth exploring every corner and my 14 year old Mojo trotting like a puppy down the driveway and into snow drifts, looking back at me with what seemed to be the biggest smile. They too are at peace, enjoying the simplicity, the quiet.

Next a lovely breakfast, meditation and then off to explore. This is a new area to us on the other side of the Mohonk Preserve, in High Falls. Our goal was to hit one of our favorite wineries in Gardinar, Robibiero for a glass of wine where we sat looking out past the deck to the falling snow. Worried about our senior car getting up and over the mountain we found a different route that took us through High Falls Center and though Rosendale…OMG! Quaint, lovely old time charm, we can’t wait to go back and explore in the warmer weather.

After a quiet glass of wine and talks of what we want, we headed out for a special dinner at Chez Jeanette. This was an absolutely one of a kind experience! Amazing food, the menu prepared for us specifically, incredible atmosphere and a lovely host. A little piece of paradise in the middle of New York.

This has been a weekend about enjoying the quiet, taking in the air and being creative. It has reminded me that paradise isn’t a place but a state of mind and can be found in the simplicity of a little studio, overlooking a driveway covered in falling snow, in the happy trot of an adored pet and in the sound of a husband learning the banjo. I’ll admit the dinner was a happy bonus.

Right now I am so grateful, especially the simple things.

Has it really been almost two months?

I have been thinking constantly about writing and blogging, but until this moment have I sat down determined to write a post. I admit it has been a crazy busy season and finding time to sit and write, without judgement (this is the key) has been almost impossible.

I would like to think that as connected as I am to myself I could allow a mean statement to wash down my back and away. But the reality is that when someone I love hurts me, I am hurt and that’s OK. A couple months ago I was accused of something that was completely untrue. When I tried to defend myself I was told that, well…that’s how they saw it and they call it like they see it. As if that somehow made it true? The more I experience comments like this, the more I believe its simply an excuse to be mean and prove oneself right. They did not hear or care when I tried to understand, instead they insulted who I was and how I show up. In reference to my writing and my view of the world I was told, “I’m not as DEEP as you”, again as if that was an insult?

For whatever reason I have found this difficult to get past, I truly love this person and consider them an essential part of my life. In one fell swoop I was accused, insulted and quite honestly (in the moment) led to question every bit of support given to me over the years.

Since then, in my deepness and in reflection here is what I have learned.

Its ok that I stepped back for a moment. I needed time to process my feelings and that is human. What was thrown at me as an insult, is actually a compliment. I have realized that the things I write about, the sometimes painful ones are not me holding on to the past, but me confronting, accepting and even embracing them. In confronting the past without anger and with intension, I am not holding on to, but instead accepting that this is my life and my experience. These things and these people are what has made me who I am and my life is truly a gift.

What I do believe is that what it is essential to release over and over, is anger. We cannot tell ourselves that we are past something when anger continues to brew, ready to lash out at some unexpected moment. I will not allow anger to keep me from my purpose and to live my intentions. Instead I will always choose to forgive and move forward.

Today I accept that I nor anyone else is perfect. I am living and learning passion without excuses. I thank life for the gift of sadness and mistakes so that I can continue to learn compassion and joy.

Take a moment today to think about what is holding you back? What do you have to say that you have not said, not in anger but as acceptance?

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mary Oliver

Myself, I will be writing and posting and creating as often as I can!

Namaste

Today, remember to make gratitude your prayer

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer.” Maya Angelou

I have learned over the past few years what gratitude truly is and the power it yields. So much so that at times it has scared me how quickly the world can open once you allow yourself to actually know it. For me my life is a constant search for wholeness, for finding the things in life that both give and take in the same moment; which is every friend, every brief conversation shared on the train, sitting by the pond with my dogs, prepping dinner with my husband, watching my nieces, nephew and godchildren grow.

Today I am grateful for the simple traditions. I am always excited at the thought of spending time with the family. To see parents, siblings and the nieces and nephew. I only wish there were more time to visit and see more of the people I so love; I’m grateful for the time I have, but there is never enough time. I can only hope they know they are missed.

Our day usually consists of waking up to the smell of turkey in the oven and Sandy, my mom in law, getting things organized. Usually she has gotten some special sweet treat for breakfast.

I wake up, usually long before Scott, put on the strong coffee, feed the dogs and decide whether or not it’s an egg sandwich or sweet treat day…I usually save the treats for the plethora of deserts awaiting us in the garage where they’re kept to keep them cool.

Then I simply I look forward to gathering.

Bob, the dad in law tends to get up next on the holiday and Scott follows behind. We sit and chat watching some sort of tv and pumping our veins with caffeine. Around 12pm Scott and I will start helping get things ready, moving and setting the table in the living room, there’s always a festive centerpiece to excite the decor. From there we just do what is needed of us, sitting lazily in between and enjoying the day.

My mom tends to be the first to show these days, then Jeanette and Bri, the sister and bro in law. This year the kids won’t make dinner but will join us early. I always miss when they ‘re not there. The noise is always a bit overwhelming and our attention diverted in many directions. But at the same time its soothing.

As we all gather around the table for the feast there is always, for me, something purposeful in the moment. I tend to think…this is the year I’m going to give a gratitude speech and tell these people all what they mean to me, but I chicken out every-time, assuming most people don’t want to hear a sappy monologue, but I think it every year.

So instead to today I will give thanks here and maybe, just maybe get the guts to do it at the table because today and every day I am thankful for the people who sit at that table.

I am thankful for the husband whose changed my world and taught me dreams are real
I am thankful for my mom who gave me this life and whose creativity and love of nature runs in my veins
I am thankful for Ralph, Bubba as I call him, for teaching me that people will love you just because you’re you
I am thankful for my mother and father in law Bob and Sandy for making me and my mom a part of their family
I am thankful for Jeanette for being me the sister I always wanted and Brian for being a wonderful husband and father
I am thankful for Amber who always makes me laugh with her silliness
I am thankful for Miranda for her hugs and who I so get
I am thankful for Autumn whose energy lights up the room
I am thankful for Shea whose creativity can’t help but shine
I am thankful the feeling my dogs Mojo and Shyann give me in every day and every moment with a simply nubby wag and gentle kiss

For those not here at the table but at the table in my heart

I am thankful for my big brother who still moves me, my kindred
I am thankful the one woman who watched over me and protected me and who I miss everyday, Miss Pix
I am thankful my godchildren who make me proud every day and whose strength inspires me
I am thankful my Aunt Renee who still make me feel like the special one
I am thankful my godmother whose always been special
I am thankful for all my family who I miss dearly
I am thankful all my friends who fill my heart with every bit of time spent

I am grateful for those who are no longer here, both 2 and 4 leggers:

My Grandma my roommate and memory keeper, my childhood
My Auntie Bertha whose strength I am happy to have
My Dad whom I miss as I always have, we were just getting started
My Grandpa S who always made me LAUGH and feel love
Lenny who gave me so much as a child
Grandpa West who is with us everything holiday saying hello
Grandma West Who will sing New York New York?!
Grandma Allinson and my Nana

For: Buffie (my best friend and nanny), Evenrude (my first cat), Rags (an amazing Tramp), Patches, Shep (he who taught me what unconditional meant), Blackie (so much love and laughs), Vicious (love bites), Dink (mr. personality), Mama Kitty/Kiera, Rugrat, Tony, Fafu, Birdie -and by family Brandy and JoJo!

This life is such a gift and so is every connection made in every day. I am truly honored and grateful that I am here.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! And remember to make gratitude your prayer today.

Silence

Silence feeds me

like no other music

I hear nothing

but my own breath

and my mind

whispering to me

it’s okay.

This moment

is simply for you

You don’t need

voices or sounds

to distract you

Just your breath

Just silence

Just the power of you

Why?

there is a silver light flickering in the distance
a candle perhaps
or is it hope

it is the light in all our hearts,
but it seems so far away

why?

i dream while awake and find there the challenges
of my life in metaphor
never clearly defining a path

but always that light in the distance
always hope as a guide –

i would like to hold that light tight and close
giving myself sight and course
but distance seems necessary

why?

is it easier to fight and struggle
than to walk slowly,
contently
and with purpose

why?

each step closer the candle flickers and dies then is renewed further down the path

why?

is this simply life
are we made to want to suffer
or do we simply think we must

why?

who taught us that suffering is human
who made us feel that life must be hard
who said that pain cannot simply be accepted and embraced with love

i want to embrace pain knowing it means i have lived
and to hold that candle
my light
in my hand to guide me through it,
not make me long for less

can i live without regret?
do i want to?

why?

does the sea regret the pain it encompasses?
does the sky remember the dangers is possesses?
or does the earth simply embrace and accept its role in the universe?

can we?

i ask myself
why?

why do i question everything
why do i see the world as dark or light
why do i question my place

perhaps I simply am
and that’s enough

is that enough?
and if not…

why?

Tiny Steps

A thousand tiny steps
Breath borrowed from below 10,030 ft
Pushing adrenaline and igniting internal fires

The top is now a resting place for the heart
A memory for the soul

Forward

We escape into ourselves,
Running from the world we would otherwise dare.

We let ourselves hide within
…our fears
…our pasts
…our mistakes

Always running away
When we want nothing more
Than to run toward…

…Forward
…Into the sun
…Into our dreams

Away from ourselves
And our internal cage

DNA Analysis – Daily Post Writing Challenge

WRITING CHALLENGE:

Your challenge is to take something intensely personal — the bits and pieces that make you YOU — and use them as a springboard for a post that makes a larger point and resonates with lots of other readers.

In the symmetry of my face the right three-quarters is my mom, the other quarter my dad, or so I’ve been told. In the shape of my eyes I see my mother’s love and facility for art in decades of notebooks that no one will ever see. In my hair I see the frailness of my fathers poetry.

My parents are broken people, slivers of who’s lives have cut their way into mine. I see their gifts in me; cooking, poetry, talent, love of nature but more often I have felt the shards of their brokenness and see the scars. The imperfections and abandonment. I see anger and disappointment. I see the world through eyes of pain and misplaced fears. There are scars everywhere, most old some new: fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, insignificant.

I see Southie in my core, the tough neighborhood of mine and my parents childhood. A private place. I was taught not to share my life, because it meant sharing theirs. The privacy of our inner worlds that no one was allowed to see; vulnerability, weakness. But we are connected, our families help shape who we are. If I can’t share you, I can’t share me; rendering my life and experiences insignificant, somehow unworthy. It left me disconnected, bounded by roots, stunting my growth. I see guilt for not being strong enough, brave enough, pretty enough…or simply enough.

But…

As I’ve learned to look more closely I see the mirror has more volume. Like the symmetry of my face where my parents both dwell in my features; I have emerged an individual. I have been staring in this mirror for years searching for myself and fighting for my existence. I have found a change. My features are softening, warming and calming.

Today I glance in the mirror and stop, not to stare, but to breathe. To allow my life to fill in and seal the shards. I touched the scars and blessed them with forgiveness. I am different and quintessential. I always thought I was broken. How else could it be, I am my parent’s child am I not? But when I look in the mirror today I see a woman, scarred but whole. I see the person tending to the wounds of the past and piecing together the slivers of my parents with forgiveness and compassion.

I see strength and power, someone who understands the gravity of communication, openness and connectedness. I see the web I have built; an intricate, beautiful network of artists, friends and individual family members who know me beyond the shards who have all added to my healing.

The woman I see is human and flawed, brilliant and compassionate and always working to be the best individual she can be. I see a wondrous work in progress emerging from the shadows of the past ready to leap into her own peace.

Love Your Tree

“Do you say that tree isn’t pretty cause it doesn’t look like that tree? We’re all trees. You’re a tree. I’m a tree. You’ve got to love your body, Eve. You’ve got to love your tree. Love your tree.”

Eve Ensler, The Good Body

I remember the first time I saw Eve Ensler live. It was on Broadway and it was THE GOOD BODY. I had read THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES and though I enjoyed it and “got it”, I couldn’t connect to it. But I had seen Ms. Ensler in interviews and thought, wow…how brave.

As I sat in the theatre listening to the bravery of a woman sharing her most vulnerable feelings about her body, how it tormented and bemused her, my mouth dropped open in awe of her courage.

The play was about an hour and a half and throughout I sat crying, privately clearing away tears I wanted no one else to see, because then they would know. They would know, I too feel like this. I too look in a mirror and think or say deplorable things to myself. I stop myself from doing things I know I’m quite capable of and I hate myself for it being so important.

I don’t know that I had ever experience theatre that way before. It was so different from seeing say, JOURNEY’S END where I left with the wonder of the theatre and the empathetic pain of those who’s lives I felt had just touched me. No, this was different. This was me onstage being exposed. This is the power of theatre!

I wanted to meet her, to be one of those who waited as she exited the theatre, to tell her, “I understand”. I didn’t; instead I walked for a while, thinking and reflecting on my experience. I was frozen and yet impelled; to do what, I didn’t know. I think then, I thought about a blog, back before it was truly cool or popular, but I wasn’t ready. That would be true exposure.

What I did do is tell my husband. I told him, I know you have never understood how or why I feel about my body as I do or what it is like and I don’t know how to explain it…it fact, I can’t. But I want you to see this show, if you do, you will know me better. We bought tickets the next week and after we left the theatre, he simply held me.

I don’t speak of these things. I don’t like to make it important because my true nature tells me I am beautiful no matter what. But sometimes my brain and the outside influences of media and frivolity devour my senses.

I was watching TED talks, my new obsession, and I came across Ms. Ensler and sat to listen and to be reminded of that connection I made years ago. The connection through art, theatre and my heart. It reminds me again why I am an artist. The fact that I am writing this in this blog tells me how much I have grown.

In the past, I would never share these vulnerabilities, these truths. What I have discovered is that these truths, though painful are a part of who I am and who I want to be and sharing that is where the growth is. The Good Body was a first step for me back in 2004. That was my first year in NYC; my brave leap into my new life.

Now I’m living that life; fully, honestly and authentically.

As a nature lover infatuated with trees, the quote above has stuck with me. It is from a woman Ms. Ensler had interviewed in Africa. Over the years I sometimes in my head I say, “Nichole, you’ve got to love your tree. Love your tree”.

I can’t begin to thank the artists who have inspired me enough. But I would like to share with you her words. Below is an awesome Talk after Eve had been through cancer and realized what she had been doing to herself and the reality of what it truly important.

To whoever, if anyone is ready this; I hope you have some time to listen if not now then later…its worth it!

To Dance

When I danced, I discovered me. I was young, nineteen and eager to grow, to break out of my fears and self abuse. I have never called myself a dancer, its like saying I play professional basketball on weekends. I didn’t have the commitment or the dexterity, but I did dance.

I am an actor who was afraid to let go. I didn’t want to be seen as much as I longed for the spotlight. My body was my enemy, no it was my mind. I believed I wasn’t good or capable enough.

And then I danced!

I took a leap of faith and shared my body with the world; peers and teachers, children and parents, strangers and friends. Movement spoke to me in visions of shapes and sounds in my head. Pictures on stage, a choreography of emotions flowing through bodies.

I was in awe. Inspired. Intrigued. I danced with amateurs and professionals; I studies and learned…to breathe!

I learned that my body is an instrument, a gift. A gift I learned to share, its wisdom calling out to the world…”I’m OK…you can see me now. I’m here!”

And again…I danced.