On Art and Consequence

I didn’t I realized how strong my need to protect was. I am removing the layers of my life choices and recognizing how my ethics have both driven me forward and held me back.

I was raised to be an artist. Creativity was sewn into the fibers of my life carefully and with purpose. The issue is that somehow those threads were infused with rules. Rules stifle the mind. They tighten on the heart and make it difficult for blood to flow. The brain seizes. Art cannot be tamed or smothered. It needs at its essence to bare the truth of whatever process it’s driven by. The goal needs to be to share the story, not the tamed version, the true version.

My rules were unintentionally suffocating. Everything I did had a consequence, good or bad I had to ask, “Who would it hurt?”. The rules fused my life with others. If I told a story or shared something personal it was not my own because another was somehow attached. Even now in this moment I find myself fighting the frankness with vagueness and ambiguity.

I am constantly protecting someone I love by not giving the full story.  I was told, “that’s my business, no one else’s”. When I said, “Its my business too”, I was told it was not mine to share. How can I be genuine while editing what is integral in my life. How can I be open if everything I do is tied to a circumstance that is not my own? I can’t.

I am realizing that part of my struggle to be clear and direct has come from the habit of my belief that I need to protect others. I always leave something out. I think, “What if they don’t want anyone to know?”, “What if sharing my anger or pain hurts someone else?”. I’ve been in handcuffs for years and am just now willing to see them.

My voice; my true artist needs freedom. I’ve been locked in and weighed down by misguided loyalty. At this point I question if I have I actually been protecting others or protecting myself from their reactions. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but my life is mine. I cannot be fully present if everything I share considers everyone else before my own truth.

This new layer in my dig is both rocky and fragile. It is infused with the learned beliefs of how I was raised and where I’m from. I find it difficult and painful to navigate. It will require delicacy, patience and courage. I may break a few things, but in the end and with care, reparation is possible.

Namastè
Nichole Donjè

Author: Finding True North

Nichole Donje is an interdisciplinary artist, activist, and leader. A philosopher and self-exploration addict, Nichole is currently working on two books of art and poetry FINDING TRUE NORTH and LIFE POEMS. She is a visual artist and photographer. Nichole founded and ran the highly regarded New York City based independent theatre company TAPT from 2006-2016. Serving as TAPT’s Artistic Director, Nichole worked diligently to support new and forgotten works that help shape the way we view the world around us. A recognized leader, Nichole served three terms as Vice President of the Board of Directors for The Players. Currently, she chairs both the Communications and Theatre Committees which she established. The Players celebrates the rich cultural life of New York City with exclusive member-only events that include live performances, readings by leading authors and playwrights, film screenings, and dining in its famous Grill Room. More information about The Players may be found at theplayersnyc.org. A key influencer of the Players current revitalization she has become an advocate for the art and livelihood of a social club. The Players not only honors yesterday’s and today’s luminaries of the performing arts but also reminds us of the necessity of building face to face relationships. Nichole is a member of SAG-AFTRA, LPTW/League of Professional Theatre Women, LeanInNYC, and The Players. View all posts by Finding True North